Summer Slimmin' Challenge: Week 4 Check-in with Momentum Regained, Protein Concerns, New Mindset, and "Independence" in Mind

Okay, so here we are, four weeks in with a bit over a month to go.

While I've not done anywhere near what I would have hoped,  I've made some progress. Yes, I had some setbacks--and week 3  seemed to have jammed up a few of us in this cahllenge--but I'm am partway back on the horse. So, really, not bad, given I've been sick, had major birthday celebrating. On the horse is always better than in the gutter, any day.

Starting weight for challenge: 267.6
(End of week 1= 265.6, end of 2= 263.2, end of 3=264.8)

Today's weigh-in: 262.6

Total loss in four weeks: 5  pounds.

You can see I did NOT give it my all, or I'd be at least 10 pounds down. So, I guess I have it HALF my all. :) In any case, it's lower than I've been in quite a while, certainly since I began this blog, so I'm really pleased, if not ecstatic. heh.

I only exercised twice, but I did make a conscious effort to do more outside the house just to get my body MOVING, rather than couch-sitting. In fact, part of what this challenge has done for me is force me to think about overall activity. I've done more, tried new things (bumper boat rides, go karts, dance dance revolution) and just tried to focus on more activity. The illness set me back and I had to avoid the insane heat/pollens for several days when I had swimming planned (and I haven't been in a pool in more then two decades), but the mindset is here. GO AND DO STUFF, MOVE, BURN CALORIES, USE MUSCLE. :)

Today's weigh-in is higher than I was Friday, which was 261.4. And sure it was my own fault. I had maybe 3 cups of water yesterday, instead of the recommended 8. We took our nephew out and had his fave, Chinese, and the beef with bean sprouts, won ton soup, and steamed pork dumplings dipped in that ginger soy sauce, well, there was bound to be a sodium uptick.Fair enough.  And my snack for supper included cheddar cheese and FiberGourmet cheese crackers. I really am reckless with salt ingestion. Ah, well.

My goal is to be in the 250's--at last--by next weigh-in. Oh, man, that will mean a lot to me. Hitting 259 will mean I've lost 40 pounds total, and I never, ever, ever in my whole life lost more than 30 pounds, and I certainly never kept that off for even a year. I've done very well keeping off 20, and had a bumpy road keeping more than 25 off, so being close to a milestone loss and a new decade should be decent motivation for this coming week.

I really need to push on three fronts: adequate water and varied and more exercise and on keeping my protein intake adequate. I've started to gaze longingly again at starches and I've had many strictly vegetarian meals where it's harder to get in the protein. Even if I have to succumb to my stock of protein powders, I'll just do that to make sure I don't risk my expensive and hard-won muscle mass.

To all my fellow Summer Slimmin' challengers, I wish you all well for this coming week.

As we remember the courage it took for our nation's founders and early citizens and residents to gain a new and freer government, let's be courageous in freeing ourselves from the tyranny of fat, the shame of gluttony and sloth, and just plain old bad habits. I'm thinking of the many ways I need to gain freedom, the different sorts of shackles other than fat. I need to be my life's own George Washington!

HAPPY and HOPEFUL INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How Committed Am I...Are You?

The clock in my soul  is ticking furiously, inexorably...and it sounds like it's saying. HURRY, HURRY. Are you gonna commit?

Am I committed enough to my goals? My weight goal in particular, I'm asked, which, if I don't meet will shorten my life and impede my other goals...

I can't help but be honest. Not much. Some. Some, that's all. I am watchful for parts of the day, but not all. I focus on other things easily. I don't keep up the strategies.

Some. A bit.

Some days, utterly minimally.

It's bothersome to me to be that uncommitted. It's a lack of a certain virtue I desire: perseverance. 

Perseverance is such a lovely word, such a beautiful character attribute. But I really lack it. In more areas than just diet. It goes hand in hand with its virtuous sibling: commitment.

I have several goals that have sat curbside while I dither, while I sink into blues, rise up a bit, sink down, while I fritter, while I dream, while I don't fully commit, while I don't work hourly, by the minute, on persevering in that commitment.. Dreaming is of no use if the action necessary to realize the dream is missing.

I'm missing in ACTION, so literally it's not at all funny. It's tragic.

My "I'm 50" midlife crisis has me really having alternating attacks of regret, nostalgia, anxiety, futurefear, wishing, more nostalgia, frenzied pep talks, depressed naps, more anxiety, self-berating, etc. I'm ridiculous, frankly. It's embarrassing to be so out of it and unfocused and unproductive and NOT MEET GOALS. 

Geesh.

So, why is this question of commitment suddenly on my mind. I got a mail message from  Sparkpeople with it's "Healthy Reflections." Here's it is in case it helps you, makes you think:

Are You Giving Your Goals Your Best Effort?

Your dreams deserve better than a half-hearted effort. Meet your goals with a weak handshake and they'll soon be waving you goodbye. Since you probably don't want to look back on a life full of "almost made it" memories, it's time for total commitment. Leave it all on the field, don't hold anything back. Is there anything more satisfying than pouring out your entire being, straddling the cliff, reaching your total limit, then looking up and realizing that oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-I-really-did-it? And is there anything more tragic than failing and realizing you could have done more? If you feel "tuned out" of your current life, that's okay. Make your first goal to build a life that you can get "in"-to. Then don't look back. Make every day count and live purposefully, live energetically, live completely. 

I don't have enough time left to keep wasting it, ya know. I don't wanna die FAT.

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Die. FAT!

I do not want to die having unrealized four other dreams of mine besides the weight thing.

And the clock keeps ticking....

Pondering a Derailment, Praying for Progress

I have not been on plan. I have no diet mojo. I have head mojo--as in "I know"--and I have desire mojo--as in "I want"--but the will is not cooperating. The will is rebellious. And I'm a spoiled brat.

I say this because I'm just not putting effort into this weight loss thing, and I have not been consistent or focused or goal-oriented. I've been floating and feeling defeated.

So, it's time to ponder this derailment of my goals/objectives, eating plan. Only my exercise has been consistent and that's suffering from my lethargy of will and body. This week, due to the holiday and my birthday on Friday, I only have one scheduled session instead of two. But I'm back to three next week, so that's a temporary blip.

I remain on the verge of depression. I can feel that weird apathy crawling upon me that makes me want to sleep a lot, eat a lot, and not do much else--not errands, not chores, not even happy stuff. Hubby was off this weekend, and he offered to take me here, there, everywhere, and I never even got dressed once until Monday. I even said no to a Valentine's Day outing--though he was willing to do or go wherever I wanted, no matter the cost. And my sister is still waiting to hear what I want to do for my birthday, and I keep saying, "I don't know," cause nothing sounds inviting--not a picnic, not a barbecue, not a party, not a beachfest, nothing. I feel like a pile of gray putty, like the immoveable object.

This is not an "I give up" post, btw. This is an "I know I'm in doodoo, in the pit, and I'm talking this out publicly and trying to figure out why I am my own saboteur, why this stupid cloud of the blues wants to rain on my parade, why I can't pick myself up and move forward."

But of course, I could. That's the thing. I feel defeated, but I'm only defeated if I remain where I am, just coasting and letting illness, lethargy, and depression BE MY LIFE.

It can't be my life. Why am I not fighting? I want to be a warrior against all these odds!

Anyway, hubby is going out of town tomorrow. I get to have the whole day to assemble what forces I have remaining and take a stand against all internal and external foes.

I want to be like those women in Ladies Home Journal and other magazines that you see as the AFTER story, who went after their dreams with focus (whether it was a career goal, a weight goal, a family goal, etc) and are photographed smiling and triumphant. I'd like to get to THIS GOAL, among others, but yes, THIS GOAL. The reason I started this blog.

I know I'm not alone in this sort of rut, frustration, backsliding, failure, call it what you will. But it's a painful thing to feel as if I'm the one sliding away from myself. I'm the one who is my own enemy, and I'm allowing it.

I'm allowing it.

All the reasons/excuses I can mount up don't measure up. I'm allowing it.

People with bigger obstacles than mine have made progress. It's not impossible.

But I'm allowing the obstacles to get to me.

Okay, big whine over. I will go to bed. I will get up to say bye to my traveling sweetie. I will work to make Tuesday better than Monday, and I will look into that place where wants and will meet and talk to that stubborn, defeated, depression-plagued part of me is aching to make progress.

Tomorrow--er, today--is gonna be a prayer day.

I'll also keep in mind Kate, who is at this moment away from home to have her WLS. At this moment, feeling leaden and slow and out of fuel, even gastric bypass doesn't seem as offputting and drastic as it usually does to me; perhaps that's because of this weight of frustration, perhaps that's because it seems easier than the daily struggle with appetite. But I know when I'm rested and myself again, I'll fear that surgery again and nix it as an option, even though I've seen many good results, even though I understand why it's a necessary option, even though I keep it in the back of my own mind as an option. The last one. I hope Kate's results are great. She deserves it.

And I hope those of us doing it without WLS or other surgical interventions, those of us going it solo, so to speak, do a bit better today, just a bit better, week by week.

God help us all who travel on our various journeys.

Oh, and I welcome prayers. Yes, indeed, I do.

Cause I'm not giving up...

Honestly, Too Pooped To Blog Coherently

I only slept about 4 hours total last night--broken into 2 hours and 1.75 hours, with a restless break in-between when I read and stretched.

And I had to go to the doc. I am waiting for EIGHT prescriptions to be filled--and that's not all the prescriptions she gave me, just the ones I need now. One of my meds got switched for another.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. Heh.

:::slaps face to wake up:::

The cold front moved in (rain yesterday, glorious day today), so driving was nice in the lovely sunshine and cool air. My hair looks great with the low humidity--shiny and no frizz. Better yet, the change eased my breathing a bit. I'll take it. I did have to wear a mask from the house to the car, as The Door Guy is here fixing our broken front door. The paint smell, I don't need. I'm staying away from the yard and front areas.

My Pilates instructor has been so encouraging, despite me missing 3 weeks already. She said once I'm breathing okay and back at it, I'll regain strength fast. I choose to believe this. :) It keeps me hopeful.

Oh, and I ate too much Chinese at lunch. This is what comes of eating a too tiny breakfast (200 cals/4 points) out of fear of busting the scale at the doc's office. (I knew I'd weigh in heavier due to not sleeping enough--always happens.) I usually don't eat before I go to see my doc, but I was hungry. That'll teach me to go too long on too little fuel. Temptation is harder to fight.

But I'm gonna have my protein shake and fruit for a light supper and go to BED!!!!!!!!!! SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Sleep is such a gorgeous, gorgeous thing.

So, until tomorrow, I wish you all a lovely "what's left of Thursday"... :)

~~~

PS: I keep getting this box asking for user and password as requested by Twitter.com. Anyone else getting that on Blogger. It's annoying. I removed my twitter widget.

I Done Went AWOL Again, Didn't I?

So, nearly a month in absentia. My bad.

I really at first just got busy. Then I got lazy. Then I got scared. I mean, I haven't been on the scale in two weeks.

Today, at my Pilates class, the teacher said I looked great and have I been on the scale lately. I said, "No, cause I think I gained." She says I look slimmer, but that may just be the tightening effect of exercise. I know I have been eating way more than I should, and I have not been weighing, blogging, journaling, or anything other than being slacker-bad.

But, here I am. Before Christmas, hoping to manage the upcoming feasts with some fatfighting panache.

My weigh-in day is supposed to be Sundays, so I'll post a number then. I'm really just not up to weighing tomorrow. I still feel anxiety. :P

On the plus side: I've been--weight anxiety aside--very chipper, happy, up. I mean, one day I actually woke up SINGING. Just so happy, I was singing. I dunno what my hormones are doing, but I hope they keep this up. (And it's doing wonders for my sex drive, too.) It's such a relief from the previous years of depression. Even when the depression lifted in January, I never woke up singing. :)

So, hello, 2009, as you approach. May you be my best year yet!

BTW, on the movement front: I also may take up some Asian drumming. I have always had such a weak upper body, and it shows in Pilates, where shoulder/arm work just kills me, that hubby and I may try to do this together. (He's already a great dummer/percussionist, but he's never done the big Asian drums.) I figure it's a hobby that makes you move, and burn calories. Good.

I also have taken up bowling. We've only gone twice, and I suck beyond suckage at it (think a score of 51 average), but I intend to get better. This is another effort at doing stuff with hubby that makes us GET UP, rather than just sit and snuggle with the television. Movement. I'm after more movement in my life, with the hope that less eating will follow.

Portion control. My nemesis. I will defeat you.

Anyhow, that's my update. I'm moving more. I'm happy. I've added dozens of new lip glosses to my collection (I tend to buy lip gloss when I'm happy. Dunno why? Maybe to accent my persistent grin.) I'm looking forward to making this holiday season a happier and healthier one than last year's.

Over the coming days, I hope to catch up with the blogs of my fatfighting comrades. I have dropped by Lyn's, and I hope everyone goes over to hug her. She's having a major life transition. Let's give her all our support.

I hope the rest of you are doing well. I know that I'm looking forward to January 5, so that I can join Oprah in her quest to lose weight (again). She had gotten down to my own dream goal weight (160), and she looked so great, remember? The abs and all. Now, even at 200, I think she looks very good. But I understand how important it is for her to nip this before she gains it ALL back. Go, Oprah.

And go, US!

(Whoa, sorry for rambling all over the place. I had 4 espressos!)
~