I'm barely holding on. I'm feeling anxiety attacks on top of the mild depression (and thank God for the mild part). I decided to use this week--as hubby is out of town--to write down some action plans to give me a sense of control and reduce the anxiety attacks. I really need to stop the wafting in a blue haze and just write down some sort of step-by-step to do that will focus me on SOMETHING. I'm so unfocused, it's like my whole body and spirit needs LASIK surgery.
But, hazy as I am, I came upon Carnie Wilson's reality show, UNSTAPLED. I have pretty much been ignoring the tv, but I saw a review on a blog and looked for a re-airing time.
Dang. The gal is baking. Someone, please, take the pans away from her and bar her from the sugar bin. What is with that? That's insanity! INSANITY! That would be like me opening up a Tex-Mex Cafe or a Pizza Joint. Two super-duper weak points for me--the cheesy-tomatoey ethnic fare. If I owned either of those, I'd weighh 900 pounds. No crap!
So, here's a gal with a renowned weight issue and she sets up a baked goods business out of her own home (ie, she can't get away from the scent of sweet treats).
Carnie, stop it now. Find another way, especially since you have TWO gigs on GSN and have no time for hubby. A third job really sounds warped. Live simpler, if you must. (Although, man, as someone facing her own budget crisis here, I wonder how one loses two or three fortunes, given she's the daughter of a rich guy, made millions in music, made millions in talk show. What the hell? )
Whatever. I've heard some "can't stand her" comments, but that's not me. I like Carnie. She's the kind of gal who, if she had gone to school with me or been my neighbor, I'd have wanted for a pal. I find her fun and friendly and huggable. I'd watch her show to see if she finds the balance with hubby, kids, work, and self-actualization.
And I really hope she ditches the baking business. Did I say it's INSANE?
I don't buy the 'if I didn't bake, I'd drink.' I think there are other things she could do to keep herself busy--write music, sing again, take up any non-caloric laden hobby like ceramics or bonsai or a new musical instrument or ballroom dancing or watercoloring or, ya know, spend more time with the kids and let hubby go make some more music.
Or, at minimum, if she has to bake, you know, can't she find a way to make healthful baked goods that are tastier than what is out there--preferably whole grains, no sugar, healthy fats, fruits.
What saddens me is that I find her baking not just a form of self-sabotage, but a form of hostility to a fat society--though I know that's not how she means it, it's how it can be perceived. Creating stuff that tempts a society already fatter than it needs, with diabetes at epidemic levels, is to make a choice that is not productive for a fatfighter's soul. Putting sugar, butter, flour and other ingredients out there for an overweight and obese majority is a form of social dietary pollution.
Do we really need more junk food out there? Does Carnie?
Making pies and sugary treats is not fat-eco. That's what I'll call it (unless it's already been used). It's not "fat green".
Our country is so dietarily polluted in how we grow foods, how we prepare them, how we sell them, how we consume them. Dang...how can we not have fat and health issues?
On the subject of dietaray pollution: Why is she giving her daughter container chocolate milk and container juice? How hard is it to make a fresh glass of choco-milk using organic cocoa, organic milk without hormones and crap her daughter doesn't need, and some agave or honey. Much better for a kid than all the artificial crap and sugar in the premade drinks. And smoothies. Much better than filtered juice that's a sugar rush. Smoothies have fiber and all sorts of good stuff. Or hey, fresh juice with all nutrients intact out of a juicer. She's got a decent-sized kitchen. A blender and juicer--not a big deal. Her daughters: a big deal. Especially if she wants them to avoid the unhealthful food choices mother's made.
I'm such a nag. But hey....
Okay, I don't wanna sound fascist, sorry, or overly judgmental (though, clearly, this is a judgment I'm making), but it's like Carnie going right up against her own philosophy about becoming healthy and reaching a healthy weight. It's belied by her action. And it's like adding to imbalance in her life, not balance. It's like me making a hobby of collecting antiques. As a hoarder, the LAST thing I need is to acquire...anything. I need to de-acquire, heh. I need to surrender the need for this safety net of books and office supplies and paper towels and soup cans and other stuff, the thousands of things that are tying me down, not setting me free.
In the end, I do hope Carnie goes and spends some smoochy time with hubby. He seems like a nice guy and loving poppa, and I'd like to see their marriage endure a lifetime, even if her weight loss does not.
As for me---I need to find my own balance, motivation, action plan.
Like Carnie, I need to get my eyes back on the assorted prizes--saving money for some big expenses coming up, spending less overall to cure my hoarding addiction, and getting back to my spiritual exercises, which have sort of lapsed (okay, not sorta, definitely). Like Katschi of Fitcetera blog, I have clutter issues that need to be addressed. I want a new phase of my life to start with this year--ie, planning for a home sale and a move--but so much needs to be done that it's daunting. Weight loss. Decluttering. Budgeting. Simplifying. Renovation. Repairs.
Makes me want to crawl back under the comforter.
I usually get a word for the year, but my lack of spiritual focus in 2009 meant that I missed that end of year silence and prayer that annually brught my guiding word or phrase. Until I get one from on high later this year--if I do, hope I do--I decided to choose some that seem to fit where I am and what I need most. For 2010, my mantras are:
"Get it done!"
"Lose the Fear!"
"Find the balance!"
"Regain the joy!"
I guess these will count as my belatedly-stated resolutions.
Watching Carnie's show, reading some blogs, looking around my world....I can see I'm not alone in needing those mantras.
Happy 2010 to all fatfighters and hoarers and depressives and anxiety-prone ones. Let's do it!
Showing posts with label New Year's Resolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year's Resolutions. Show all posts
I had a nice weigh-in Monday: 264.2 A new low.
But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.
Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.
Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."
I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.
I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.
On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.
I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.
I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.
I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.
And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...
But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.
Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.
Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."
I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.
I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.
On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.
I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.
I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.
I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.
And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...
Yes, there's progress. :)
Here's how Friday went--and I know it's still technically Friday, but I conked out at 6pm and slept until 10:15 pm. Not sure if I'll go back to bed or stay up. We'll see. (Yes, I need to normalize my sleep schedule. Being sick throws me a serious curve ball in that department. So, yes, Friday:
BREATHING: I had moments when I actually breathed without thinking. A good sign. I still have inflammation and still had my breathing "conscious" through the day--asthmatics know what I mean, that you have to think and focus and make effort, that I avoid triggers as much as possible, that it's not "automatic" to get air in and out. BUT...those moments when it got better and I didn't think about it means I may be well over the hump.
EATING: I had some of Heidi's Cottage Classics Grainy Day Pancake Mix
handy,and it was the first time I was up early enough to make breakfast for hubby, so I made some and had two with sugar free syrup by Smuckers and half a cup of apple juice. Not so great, but I had no fruit to have for breakfast. I also had a handful of soy and wasabi almonds (I'm addicted to these. The salt is bad for me, but dang if they don't taste amazing.)
I still didn't feel up to driving and shopping and risking exposure to something that will send me straight to the ER, so I ordered stuff from the one "healthful" restaurant in my area that delivers. I had some good stuff and some not so good: 5 falafels, about 1/4 cup hummus with olive oil, brown rice with chick peas/chopped tomatoes/peppers/cucumbers/avocado, two pieces of grilled tofu, green vegetable juice smoothie, a fruit blend smoothie.
I have leftovers of the rice/salad/tofu for another meal and some fresh carrot juice, too.
I went over my calories for sure. So, I'm not there. But it wasn't a Whopper or Pizza or cake or some of the other icky stuff I'd been indulging in during some heedless, mindless, comfort-and-holiday-eating. I got fruits and veggies and legumes and fiber.
The goals for Saturday:
~Get those healthful groceries, including a ton of produce.
~Begin journaling what I eat and keeping calories to 1900 max (38 points). Same target for all week. Use my nifty new Levenger's Circa Fitness Journal to keep track of intake (and exercise). The journal was a present I gave myself for Christmas. :)
~Try to get some movement in, as far as breathing allows. I hope I improve so I can do Pilates Monday.
~Start reading and applying The Complete Beck Diet for Life: The Five-Stage Program for Permanent Weight Loss
Since it's a new year, I scheduled a GYN appt (hate hate hate hate those) and will schedule my mammo. I see my PCP on Thursday (will run out of one of my meds Wed, new insurance info to give her, need a ton of prescriptions for my asthma/allergy/thyroid/BP).
Here's how Friday went--and I know it's still technically Friday, but I conked out at 6pm and slept until 10:15 pm. Not sure if I'll go back to bed or stay up. We'll see. (Yes, I need to normalize my sleep schedule. Being sick throws me a serious curve ball in that department. So, yes, Friday:
BREATHING: I had moments when I actually breathed without thinking. A good sign. I still have inflammation and still had my breathing "conscious" through the day--asthmatics know what I mean, that you have to think and focus and make effort, that I avoid triggers as much as possible, that it's not "automatic" to get air in and out. BUT...those moments when it got better and I didn't think about it means I may be well over the hump.
EATING: I had some of Heidi's Cottage Classics Grainy Day Pancake Mix
handy,and it was the first time I was up early enough to make breakfast for hubby, so I made some and had two with sugar free syrup by Smuckers and half a cup of apple juice. Not so great, but I had no fruit to have for breakfast. I also had a handful of soy and wasabi almonds (I'm addicted to these. The salt is bad for me, but dang if they don't taste amazing.)I still didn't feel up to driving and shopping and risking exposure to something that will send me straight to the ER, so I ordered stuff from the one "healthful" restaurant in my area that delivers. I had some good stuff and some not so good: 5 falafels, about 1/4 cup hummus with olive oil, brown rice with chick peas/chopped tomatoes/peppers/cucumbers/avocado, two pieces of grilled tofu, green vegetable juice smoothie, a fruit blend smoothie.
I have leftovers of the rice/salad/tofu for another meal and some fresh carrot juice, too.
I went over my calories for sure. So, I'm not there. But it wasn't a Whopper or Pizza or cake or some of the other icky stuff I'd been indulging in during some heedless, mindless, comfort-and-holiday-eating. I got fruits and veggies and legumes and fiber.
The goals for Saturday:
~Get those healthful groceries, including a ton of produce.
~Begin journaling what I eat and keeping calories to 1900 max (38 points). Same target for all week. Use my nifty new Levenger's Circa Fitness Journal to keep track of intake (and exercise). The journal was a present I gave myself for Christmas. :)
~Try to get some movement in, as far as breathing allows. I hope I improve so I can do Pilates Monday.
~Start reading and applying The Complete Beck Diet for Life: The Five-Stage Program for Permanent Weight Loss
Since it's a new year, I scheduled a GYN appt (hate hate hate hate those) and will schedule my mammo. I see my PCP on Thursday (will run out of one of my meds Wed, new insurance info to give her, need a ton of prescriptions for my asthma/allergy/thyroid/BP).
Well, see, I didn't drop off the side of the universe. :)
Nah. I've been sick a couple weeks. Some sort of frustratingly stubborn low-level inflammatory thing--not a cold, not the flu, probably an allergic or autoimmune flare-up like I've had in the past--so it put a big crimp on my holiday and my Pilates. For the first time in 6 months, I missed a whole week of sessions. Well, week and a half. This bums me out like you wouldn't believe (yes, I have become accustomed to my thrice-weekly workouts with my trainer and the noticeable increase in strength).
I have to count my blessings, though, even though there's a 40 pound invisible cat sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe, not to mention what seems to be cotton wadding down my nose and throat. Why? Cause I normally used to have anywhere from 2 to 6 bouts of acute bronchitis per year (due to my crappy respiratory and messy immune system). This year, I didn't get bronchitis ONCE. I'm crediting this to eating better (most of the time, including lots of produce, clean foods, oganic products) and exercising regularly and vigorously.
Maybe sliding back into old crap food habits after my organic delivery service went on hiatus contributed to my feeling poorly. Dunno. Maybe it's just the usual stuff I get during this time of year--which has always been problematic. I am used to Christmas wheezing. I've missed many a family party over the decades due to Christmas sickies.
In any case, I'm just praying I can shake this off and get back to business--exercise, eating well, writing creatively, and decluttering my house and spirit--in the coming first full week of 2009.
Aren't fresh starts wonderful?
I want to feel well enough Friday to hit Whole Foods or Fresh Market. I want to visit the local organic juicer and get fresh squeezed green juices in quarts to get me some yummy enzymes. I want to begin the Beck Diet for Life book and see if I can get my psychological groove going. I want to breathe well enough to get back to Pilates. I want to stop ordering too much take-away.
Simple steps, but they seem so complicated in one-lump paragraph. (I recommend folks visit Lyn and get her habit-a-week posts and try that.)
I indulged in a bit too much cake and chocolate and mousse this holiday, so I just ordered up some low-carb goodies from Netrition.com to kick-start January with less sugar and more protein. But man, I really need my fruits and veggies. I haven't been able to shop in TWO WEEKS, and hubby is just afraid of produce. He really is (funny) helpless in the face of choosing fruits and veggies. So, the fruit bowls are empty. Literally EMPTY. No oranges, bananas, apples, pears, lemons, avocados, limes, tomatoes in the bowls. No grapes, cherries, berries...just some papaya that I asked him to get to aid in decongesting and some pineapple juice leftover from a take-away dinner from Pasha's Mediterranean.
Ah, man, I hate being sick. Makes me feel so helpless and useless. I breathe best when I'm very still. Any exertion makes me gasp. So, I can feel the fat creeping back and the muscles devolving. I want to keep my hard-earned (expensively-acquired) muscles!
I know. I know. Keep it positive. Start 2009 with great hope.
Hope was the word God gave me for 2008. I even bought a piece of fairy art from the delightful Sara Butcher to showcase that work:
(If you go to the link above to her site, Sara has another very charming HOPE fairy in the upper left of her blog layout, and it's in color and very cute.)
I look forward to hear what word the Lord will give me for 2009. Sometimes, I don't get it until two or three months in, but it always seems to address a need for that year. For instance, in 2008, after 20 years with his employer, my hubby got laid off. You can guess that hope came into play big time. God came through with a really good job for him, and he kept me bronchitis-and-pneumonia free. He made it possible for me to do Pilates (with the severance money from lay-off).
I will commemorate my 2009 word with another piece of small art, if I can afford it. I "hope" so. :) Ah, yes. I think HOPE is a word that's good for all seasons of all years. Especially for those of us struggling with obesity and health problems. I'm glad I have my little fairy to remind me.
I ask God to bless you all in your fight, in your struggles, in trying times, and to bring health and joy and great friendships and much love in 2009.
See you soon. (And if you're the praying sort, prayers for my breathing to normalize would so much be appreciated.)
OH...and if you want a challenge, Fitcetera's gorgeous blogger Katschi has one going. The Six Week "As If Jillian Were Riding Your Butt" Challenge. I signed up.
Oh, lawdy, lawdy. I really need to get my respiratory system back in line to do it, but here's to...er..HOPING.
Onward in 2009...and downward!
~
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