Showing posts with label depression and mood issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression and mood issues. Show all posts
Two bloggers inspired me today. One got me to make a yumsy breakfast rather than just settling for the easier (lazier) cheese toast, coffee and fruit. Another has me committed to stepping out the door.
First: Breakfast. I've been in a bit of a breakfast rut this week, just slapping cheese or ham and cheese between whole wheat bread with coffee and fruit and water. But I saw Poor Girl Eats Well recent blog on Mushroom Fajita omelette and thought: I WANT THAT NOW! :)
I didn't have all the ingredients on hand her recipe calls for, in fact, I've been in such a funk I've been out of eggs for a week and didn't bother to go shopping for some, but I found a carton of egg whites set to expire in ten days at the back of the fridge. Must have been there a couple months. I had 2% Kraft singles handy. I had portabella mushrooms I picked up at the lil ratty local farmer's market on the way back from Pilates Monday (the market is sad, but it's only one block away from the studio, and I was craving berries). I had half of one sweet onion and half a red pepper left from that Monday market drop-by. And a tomato. That would do nicely.
I sauteed the veggies in a couple teaspoons of EVOO in one small pan, coated another in PAM organic spray (olive oil version) and used that for the egg whites.
Squeezed some of the almost overripe tangerines I had left for fresh juice. Put two slices of whole wheat bread in the toaster oven. Made my fabulous Ethiopian gourmet coffee (freshly ground beans, filtered water).
A feast. Got four and a half fruits and veggies and a very filling meal for just over 500 calories. Were I in full, gung-ho diet mode, I'd have left out one slice of toast and had less juice. A lot of calories for one meal, some would say, but I find if I skip breakfast or eat a very small one, I tend to pig out crazy at lunch or binge at dinner. I always wake up ravenous. The only one in my family to do so. Hm.
The other inspiring blogger today was Lyn. I could have written about that detachment. About being numb eating and living in the head. I had been doing better, then got all funked down and began doing that again. Here's something she said in today's post:
After reading that, I decided to have my second cup of coffee, post to the blog, and get dressed and GO OUTSIDE somewhere. At this point, I don't care where. Whole foods to stock up on good stuff. A park. The bookstore to browse and watch people. To make a doctor's appointment. To buy shoes. Don't care. Just get up, shower, get prettied up, put on non-lounging clothes, and live outside the head for a while.
Thanks Poor Girl and Lyn.
First: Breakfast. I've been in a bit of a breakfast rut this week, just slapping cheese or ham and cheese between whole wheat bread with coffee and fruit and water. But I saw Poor Girl Eats Well recent blog on Mushroom Fajita omelette and thought: I WANT THAT NOW! :)
I didn't have all the ingredients on hand her recipe calls for, in fact, I've been in such a funk I've been out of eggs for a week and didn't bother to go shopping for some, but I found a carton of egg whites set to expire in ten days at the back of the fridge. Must have been there a couple months. I had 2% Kraft singles handy. I had portabella mushrooms I picked up at the lil ratty local farmer's market on the way back from Pilates Monday (the market is sad, but it's only one block away from the studio, and I was craving berries). I had half of one sweet onion and half a red pepper left from that Monday market drop-by. And a tomato. That would do nicely.
I sauteed the veggies in a couple teaspoons of EVOO in one small pan, coated another in PAM organic spray (olive oil version) and used that for the egg whites.
Squeezed some of the almost overripe tangerines I had left for fresh juice. Put two slices of whole wheat bread in the toaster oven. Made my fabulous Ethiopian gourmet coffee (freshly ground beans, filtered water).
A feast. Got four and a half fruits and veggies and a very filling meal for just over 500 calories. Were I in full, gung-ho diet mode, I'd have left out one slice of toast and had less juice. A lot of calories for one meal, some would say, but I find if I skip breakfast or eat a very small one, I tend to pig out crazy at lunch or binge at dinner. I always wake up ravenous. The only one in my family to do so. Hm.
The other inspiring blogger today was Lyn. I could have written about that detachment. About being numb eating and living in the head. I had been doing better, then got all funked down and began doing that again. Here's something she said in today's post:
I feel so very alive now. I see things that need to be done and I embrace the challenge instead of dreading the work. I see the sunshine outside and I want to be out there *in* it... not burying my face in a Big Mac Meal or a computer screen for hours on end. I feel like I have stepped back into the real world. I feel like I have awakened from a decade of detached slumber. I am awake, alive, and present.
After reading that, I decided to have my second cup of coffee, post to the blog, and get dressed and GO OUTSIDE somewhere. At this point, I don't care where. Whole foods to stock up on good stuff. A park. The bookstore to browse and watch people. To make a doctor's appointment. To buy shoes. Don't care. Just get up, shower, get prettied up, put on non-lounging clothes, and live outside the head for a while.
Thanks Poor Girl and Lyn.
Am I committed enough to my goals? My weight goal in particular, I'm asked, which, if I don't meet will shorten my life and impede my other goals...
I can't help but be honest. Not much. Some. Some, that's all. I am watchful for parts of the day, but not all. I focus on other things easily. I don't keep up the strategies.
Some. A bit.
Some days, utterly minimally.
It's bothersome to me to be that uncommitted. It's a lack of a certain virtue I desire: perseverance.
Perseverance is such a lovely word, such a beautiful character attribute. But I really lack it. In more areas than just diet. It goes hand in hand with its virtuous sibling: commitment.
I have several goals that have sat curbside while I dither, while I sink into blues, rise up a bit, sink down, while I fritter, while I dream, while I don't fully commit, while I don't work hourly, by the minute, on persevering in that commitment.. Dreaming is of no use if the action necessary to realize the dream is missing.
I'm missing in ACTION, so literally it's not at all funny. It's tragic.
My "I'm 50" midlife crisis has me really having alternating attacks of regret, nostalgia, anxiety, futurefear, wishing, more nostalgia, frenzied pep talks, depressed naps, more anxiety, self-berating, etc. I'm ridiculous, frankly. It's embarrassing to be so out of it and unfocused and unproductive and NOT MEET GOALS.
Geesh.
So, why is this question of commitment suddenly on my mind. I got a mail message from Sparkpeople with it's "Healthy Reflections." Here's it is in case it helps you, makes you think:
Are You Giving Your Goals Your Best Effort?
Your dreams deserve better than a half-hearted effort. Meet your goals with a weak handshake and they'll soon be waving you goodbye. Since you probably don't want to look back on a life full of "almost made it" memories, it's time for total commitment. Leave it all on the field, don't hold anything back. Is there anything more satisfying than pouring out your entire being, straddling the cliff, reaching your total limit, then looking up and realizing that oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-I-
Your dreams deserve better than a half-hearted effort. Meet your goals with a weak handshake and they'll soon be waving you goodbye. Since you probably don't want to look back on a life full of "almost made it" memories, it's time for total commitment. Leave it all on the field, don't hold anything back. Is there anything more satisfying than pouring out your entire being, straddling the cliff, reaching your total limit, then looking up and realizing that oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-I-
I don't have enough time left to keep wasting it, ya know. I don't wanna die FAT.
I. Do. Not. Want. To. Die. FAT!
I do not want to die having unrealized four other dreams of mine besides the weight thing.
And the clock keeps ticking....
It's been more than two months since I checked in. Whoa. Okay, so...
I've been a slug. Haven't done much of anything I should be doing. Won't go into the whys and wherefores, other than to say I'm having a bit of a midlife event. Hitting the big FIVE OH was more trying than I expected. Even though my birthday celebration and the weeks before and after had some good times (great Valentine's Day, happy party, days off enjoyed with hubby), I still have felt the burden of that number and all it entails in the negative. Yes, I'm not seeing the half-full cup. I'm seeing a cup dribbling out water through cracks caused by time...
Urp. Enough.
So, I got on the scale a few days ago and I had sliipped back into the 270s (271.4). I know a chunk was bloat, so I reweighed today and I was 268.8. But that's still a regain from where I was holding in the lower part of the 260's.
I'm not feeling it. I hate that it takes so much to just get motivated to POST something.
I am having some healthful meals and some not so, but I am making an effort to have more calorie-conscious ones. Here's an example:
This was lunch some days ago (after weighing in high and scaring myself). Clockwise from upper left glass: Coconut water (chilled) to debloat. Mandarin orange cream (a sort of cross between rice pudding and vanilla yogurt with some orange puree on top, sugar-free and low-cal. Pumpkin spice soup (very low cal). On plate: peas and carrots, basil mashed potatoes, chicken breast in a low-cal creamy lemon sauce (I added more lemon juice). And finally, raspberries and cantaloupe (fresh). All told, it was like 600 calories, little fat, lots of potassium, vitamins, minerals, and some decent fiber. Plus treats for my sweet-tooth.
The meal came from Shapelovers (except the fruit and coconut water). Yesterday, I had their three-cheese spinach lasagna. Today I had a chunky split pea soup (double portion) that came with today's entree (chicken and rice, california medley veggies, mamey flan--which is so nice). Tomorrow, it's Beef Tenderloin in blue cheese sauce. You can see the weekly menu (this week, click to see next week) here.
I notice that tomorrow's dessert is 68 calories. Hm.
I haven't stuck perfectly to their program (no surprise), but it has helped to start putting a curb on the out-of-control chocolate and fast-food fest that got me back in the 270's temporarily. They deliver at 10:30 in the AM roughly, so it forces me to get up early (which I've wanted to do to get more sunlight to improve my mood issues, maybe, cause being on "vampire time" was NOT helping. I never saw the sun hardly, except on my Pilates session days.)
It's amazing to think that come June 30, I will have faithfully doing my Pilates for TWO YEARS. Shoot. That's worth a party. :)
I intend to start Sparking again. I don't feel like it, but I NEED to.
I hate demotivated me. I really do.
Anyway, I also ordered half a dozen electronica/dance/energetic music cds to try and get me up and going. I'm getting desperate to lose this funk. If you're curious what I got, I'll post again about the music. Let me know what music gets you going. Or what else gets you going. Cause I just wanna nap all da time.
I've been a slug. Haven't done much of anything I should be doing. Won't go into the whys and wherefores, other than to say I'm having a bit of a midlife event. Hitting the big FIVE OH was more trying than I expected. Even though my birthday celebration and the weeks before and after had some good times (great Valentine's Day, happy party, days off enjoyed with hubby), I still have felt the burden of that number and all it entails in the negative. Yes, I'm not seeing the half-full cup. I'm seeing a cup dribbling out water through cracks caused by time...
Urp. Enough.
So, I got on the scale a few days ago and I had sliipped back into the 270s (271.4). I know a chunk was bloat, so I reweighed today and I was 268.8. But that's still a regain from where I was holding in the lower part of the 260's.
I'm not feeling it. I hate that it takes so much to just get motivated to POST something.
I am having some healthful meals and some not so, but I am making an effort to have more calorie-conscious ones. Here's an example:
This was lunch some days ago (after weighing in high and scaring myself). Clockwise from upper left glass: Coconut water (chilled) to debloat. Mandarin orange cream (a sort of cross between rice pudding and vanilla yogurt with some orange puree on top, sugar-free and low-cal. Pumpkin spice soup (very low cal). On plate: peas and carrots, basil mashed potatoes, chicken breast in a low-cal creamy lemon sauce (I added more lemon juice). And finally, raspberries and cantaloupe (fresh). All told, it was like 600 calories, little fat, lots of potassium, vitamins, minerals, and some decent fiber. Plus treats for my sweet-tooth.
The meal came from Shapelovers (except the fruit and coconut water). Yesterday, I had their three-cheese spinach lasagna. Today I had a chunky split pea soup (double portion) that came with today's entree (chicken and rice, california medley veggies, mamey flan--which is so nice). Tomorrow, it's Beef Tenderloin in blue cheese sauce. You can see the weekly menu (this week, click to see next week) here.
I notice that tomorrow's dessert is 68 calories. Hm.
I haven't stuck perfectly to their program (no surprise), but it has helped to start putting a curb on the out-of-control chocolate and fast-food fest that got me back in the 270's temporarily. They deliver at 10:30 in the AM roughly, so it forces me to get up early (which I've wanted to do to get more sunlight to improve my mood issues, maybe, cause being on "vampire time" was NOT helping. I never saw the sun hardly, except on my Pilates session days.)
It's amazing to think that come June 30, I will have faithfully doing my Pilates for TWO YEARS. Shoot. That's worth a party. :)
I intend to start Sparking again. I don't feel like it, but I NEED to.
I hate demotivated me. I really do.
Anyway, I also ordered half a dozen electronica/dance/energetic music cds to try and get me up and going. I'm getting desperate to lose this funk. If you're curious what I got, I'll post again about the music. Let me know what music gets you going. Or what else gets you going. Cause I just wanna nap all da time.
I'm barely holding on. I'm feeling anxiety attacks on top of the mild depression (and thank God for the mild part). I decided to use this week--as hubby is out of town--to write down some action plans to give me a sense of control and reduce the anxiety attacks. I really need to stop the wafting in a blue haze and just write down some sort of step-by-step to do that will focus me on SOMETHING. I'm so unfocused, it's like my whole body and spirit needs LASIK surgery.
But, hazy as I am, I came upon Carnie Wilson's reality show, UNSTAPLED. I have pretty much been ignoring the tv, but I saw a review on a blog and looked for a re-airing time.
Dang. The gal is baking. Someone, please, take the pans away from her and bar her from the sugar bin. What is with that? That's insanity! INSANITY! That would be like me opening up a Tex-Mex Cafe or a Pizza Joint. Two super-duper weak points for me--the cheesy-tomatoey ethnic fare. If I owned either of those, I'd weighh 900 pounds. No crap!
So, here's a gal with a renowned weight issue and she sets up a baked goods business out of her own home (ie, she can't get away from the scent of sweet treats).
Carnie, stop it now. Find another way, especially since you have TWO gigs on GSN and have no time for hubby. A third job really sounds warped. Live simpler, if you must. (Although, man, as someone facing her own budget crisis here, I wonder how one loses two or three fortunes, given she's the daughter of a rich guy, made millions in music, made millions in talk show. What the hell? )
Whatever. I've heard some "can't stand her" comments, but that's not me. I like Carnie. She's the kind of gal who, if she had gone to school with me or been my neighbor, I'd have wanted for a pal. I find her fun and friendly and huggable. I'd watch her show to see if she finds the balance with hubby, kids, work, and self-actualization.
And I really hope she ditches the baking business. Did I say it's INSANE?
I don't buy the 'if I didn't bake, I'd drink.' I think there are other things she could do to keep herself busy--write music, sing again, take up any non-caloric laden hobby like ceramics or bonsai or a new musical instrument or ballroom dancing or watercoloring or, ya know, spend more time with the kids and let hubby go make some more music.
Or, at minimum, if she has to bake, you know, can't she find a way to make healthful baked goods that are tastier than what is out there--preferably whole grains, no sugar, healthy fats, fruits.
What saddens me is that I find her baking not just a form of self-sabotage, but a form of hostility to a fat society--though I know that's not how she means it, it's how it can be perceived. Creating stuff that tempts a society already fatter than it needs, with diabetes at epidemic levels, is to make a choice that is not productive for a fatfighter's soul. Putting sugar, butter, flour and other ingredients out there for an overweight and obese majority is a form of social dietary pollution.
Do we really need more junk food out there? Does Carnie?
Making pies and sugary treats is not fat-eco. That's what I'll call it (unless it's already been used). It's not "fat green".
Our country is so dietarily polluted in how we grow foods, how we prepare them, how we sell them, how we consume them. Dang...how can we not have fat and health issues?
On the subject of dietaray pollution: Why is she giving her daughter container chocolate milk and container juice? How hard is it to make a fresh glass of choco-milk using organic cocoa, organic milk without hormones and crap her daughter doesn't need, and some agave or honey. Much better for a kid than all the artificial crap and sugar in the premade drinks. And smoothies. Much better than filtered juice that's a sugar rush. Smoothies have fiber and all sorts of good stuff. Or hey, fresh juice with all nutrients intact out of a juicer. She's got a decent-sized kitchen. A blender and juicer--not a big deal. Her daughters: a big deal. Especially if she wants them to avoid the unhealthful food choices mother's made.
I'm such a nag. But hey....
Okay, I don't wanna sound fascist, sorry, or overly judgmental (though, clearly, this is a judgment I'm making), but it's like Carnie going right up against her own philosophy about becoming healthy and reaching a healthy weight. It's belied by her action. And it's like adding to imbalance in her life, not balance. It's like me making a hobby of collecting antiques. As a hoarder, the LAST thing I need is to acquire...anything. I need to de-acquire, heh. I need to surrender the need for this safety net of books and office supplies and paper towels and soup cans and other stuff, the thousands of things that are tying me down, not setting me free.
In the end, I do hope Carnie goes and spends some smoochy time with hubby. He seems like a nice guy and loving poppa, and I'd like to see their marriage endure a lifetime, even if her weight loss does not.
As for me---I need to find my own balance, motivation, action plan.
Like Carnie, I need to get my eyes back on the assorted prizes--saving money for some big expenses coming up, spending less overall to cure my hoarding addiction, and getting back to my spiritual exercises, which have sort of lapsed (okay, not sorta, definitely). Like Katschi of Fitcetera blog, I have clutter issues that need to be addressed. I want a new phase of my life to start with this year--ie, planning for a home sale and a move--but so much needs to be done that it's daunting. Weight loss. Decluttering. Budgeting. Simplifying. Renovation. Repairs.
Makes me want to crawl back under the comforter.
I usually get a word for the year, but my lack of spiritual focus in 2009 meant that I missed that end of year silence and prayer that annually brught my guiding word or phrase. Until I get one from on high later this year--if I do, hope I do--I decided to choose some that seem to fit where I am and what I need most. For 2010, my mantras are:
"Get it done!"
"Lose the Fear!"
"Find the balance!"
"Regain the joy!"
I guess these will count as my belatedly-stated resolutions.
Watching Carnie's show, reading some blogs, looking around my world....I can see I'm not alone in needing those mantras.
Happy 2010 to all fatfighters and hoarers and depressives and anxiety-prone ones. Let's do it!
But, hazy as I am, I came upon Carnie Wilson's reality show, UNSTAPLED. I have pretty much been ignoring the tv, but I saw a review on a blog and looked for a re-airing time.
Dang. The gal is baking. Someone, please, take the pans away from her and bar her from the sugar bin. What is with that? That's insanity! INSANITY! That would be like me opening up a Tex-Mex Cafe or a Pizza Joint. Two super-duper weak points for me--the cheesy-tomatoey ethnic fare. If I owned either of those, I'd weighh 900 pounds. No crap!
So, here's a gal with a renowned weight issue and she sets up a baked goods business out of her own home (ie, she can't get away from the scent of sweet treats).
Carnie, stop it now. Find another way, especially since you have TWO gigs on GSN and have no time for hubby. A third job really sounds warped. Live simpler, if you must. (Although, man, as someone facing her own budget crisis here, I wonder how one loses two or three fortunes, given she's the daughter of a rich guy, made millions in music, made millions in talk show. What the hell? )
Whatever. I've heard some "can't stand her" comments, but that's not me. I like Carnie. She's the kind of gal who, if she had gone to school with me or been my neighbor, I'd have wanted for a pal. I find her fun and friendly and huggable. I'd watch her show to see if she finds the balance with hubby, kids, work, and self-actualization.
And I really hope she ditches the baking business. Did I say it's INSANE?
I don't buy the 'if I didn't bake, I'd drink.' I think there are other things she could do to keep herself busy--write music, sing again, take up any non-caloric laden hobby like ceramics or bonsai or a new musical instrument or ballroom dancing or watercoloring or, ya know, spend more time with the kids and let hubby go make some more music.
Or, at minimum, if she has to bake, you know, can't she find a way to make healthful baked goods that are tastier than what is out there--preferably whole grains, no sugar, healthy fats, fruits.
What saddens me is that I find her baking not just a form of self-sabotage, but a form of hostility to a fat society--though I know that's not how she means it, it's how it can be perceived. Creating stuff that tempts a society already fatter than it needs, with diabetes at epidemic levels, is to make a choice that is not productive for a fatfighter's soul. Putting sugar, butter, flour and other ingredients out there for an overweight and obese majority is a form of social dietary pollution.
Do we really need more junk food out there? Does Carnie?
Making pies and sugary treats is not fat-eco. That's what I'll call it (unless it's already been used). It's not "fat green".
Our country is so dietarily polluted in how we grow foods, how we prepare them, how we sell them, how we consume them. Dang...how can we not have fat and health issues?
On the subject of dietaray pollution: Why is she giving her daughter container chocolate milk and container juice? How hard is it to make a fresh glass of choco-milk using organic cocoa, organic milk without hormones and crap her daughter doesn't need, and some agave or honey. Much better for a kid than all the artificial crap and sugar in the premade drinks. And smoothies. Much better than filtered juice that's a sugar rush. Smoothies have fiber and all sorts of good stuff. Or hey, fresh juice with all nutrients intact out of a juicer. She's got a decent-sized kitchen. A blender and juicer--not a big deal. Her daughters: a big deal. Especially if she wants them to avoid the unhealthful food choices mother's made.
I'm such a nag. But hey....
Okay, I don't wanna sound fascist, sorry, or overly judgmental (though, clearly, this is a judgment I'm making), but it's like Carnie going right up against her own philosophy about becoming healthy and reaching a healthy weight. It's belied by her action. And it's like adding to imbalance in her life, not balance. It's like me making a hobby of collecting antiques. As a hoarder, the LAST thing I need is to acquire...anything. I need to de-acquire, heh. I need to surrender the need for this safety net of books and office supplies and paper towels and soup cans and other stuff, the thousands of things that are tying me down, not setting me free.
In the end, I do hope Carnie goes and spends some smoochy time with hubby. He seems like a nice guy and loving poppa, and I'd like to see their marriage endure a lifetime, even if her weight loss does not.
As for me---I need to find my own balance, motivation, action plan.
Like Carnie, I need to get my eyes back on the assorted prizes--saving money for some big expenses coming up, spending less overall to cure my hoarding addiction, and getting back to my spiritual exercises, which have sort of lapsed (okay, not sorta, definitely). Like Katschi of Fitcetera blog, I have clutter issues that need to be addressed. I want a new phase of my life to start with this year--ie, planning for a home sale and a move--but so much needs to be done that it's daunting. Weight loss. Decluttering. Budgeting. Simplifying. Renovation. Repairs.
Makes me want to crawl back under the comforter.
I usually get a word for the year, but my lack of spiritual focus in 2009 meant that I missed that end of year silence and prayer that annually brught my guiding word or phrase. Until I get one from on high later this year--if I do, hope I do--I decided to choose some that seem to fit where I am and what I need most. For 2010, my mantras are:
"Get it done!"
"Lose the Fear!"
"Find the balance!"
"Regain the joy!"
I guess these will count as my belatedly-stated resolutions.
Watching Carnie's show, reading some blogs, looking around my world....I can see I'm not alone in needing those mantras.
Happy 2010 to all fatfighters and hoarers and depressives and anxiety-prone ones. Let's do it!
I had a nice weigh-in Monday: 264.2 A new low.
But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.
Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.
Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."
I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.
I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.
On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.
I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.
I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.
I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.
And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...
But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.
Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.
Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."
I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.
I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.
On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.
I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.
I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.
I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.
And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...
I have not been on plan. I have no diet mojo. I have head mojo--as in "I know"--and I have desire mojo--as in "I want"--but the will is not cooperating. The will is rebellious. And I'm a spoiled brat.
I say this because I'm just not putting effort into this weight loss thing, and I have not been consistent or focused or goal-oriented. I've been floating and feeling defeated.
So, it's time to ponder this derailment of my goals/objectives, eating plan. Only my exercise has been consistent and that's suffering from my lethargy of will and body. This week, due to the holiday and my birthday on Friday, I only have one scheduled session instead of two. But I'm back to three next week, so that's a temporary blip.
I remain on the verge of depression. I can feel that weird apathy crawling upon me that makes me want to sleep a lot, eat a lot, and not do much else--not errands, not chores, not even happy stuff. Hubby was off this weekend, and he offered to take me here, there, everywhere, and I never even got dressed once until Monday. I even said no to a Valentine's Day outing--though he was willing to do or go wherever I wanted, no matter the cost. And my sister is still waiting to hear what I want to do for my birthday, and I keep saying, "I don't know," cause nothing sounds inviting--not a picnic, not a barbecue, not a party, not a beachfest, nothing. I feel like a pile of gray putty, like the immoveable object.
This is not an "I give up" post, btw. This is an "I know I'm in doodoo, in the pit, and I'm talking this out publicly and trying to figure out why I am my own saboteur, why this stupid cloud of the blues wants to rain on my parade, why I can't pick myself up and move forward."
But of course, I could. That's the thing. I feel defeated, but I'm only defeated if I remain where I am, just coasting and letting illness, lethargy, and depression BE MY LIFE.
It can't be my life. Why am I not fighting? I want to be a warrior against all these odds!
Anyway, hubby is going out of town tomorrow. I get to have the whole day to assemble what forces I have remaining and take a stand against all internal and external foes.
I want to be like those women in Ladies Home Journal and other magazines that you see as the AFTER story, who went after their dreams with focus (whether it was a career goal, a weight goal, a family goal, etc) and are photographed smiling and triumphant. I'd like to get to THIS GOAL, among others, but yes, THIS GOAL. The reason I started this blog.
I know I'm not alone in this sort of rut, frustration, backsliding, failure, call it what you will. But it's a painful thing to feel as if I'm the one sliding away from myself. I'm the one who is my own enemy, and I'm allowing it.
I'm allowing it.
All the reasons/excuses I can mount up don't measure up. I'm allowing it.
People with bigger obstacles than mine have made progress. It's not impossible.
But I'm allowing the obstacles to get to me.
Okay, big whine over. I will go to bed. I will get up to say bye to my traveling sweetie. I will work to make Tuesday better than Monday, and I will look into that place where wants and will meet and talk to that stubborn, defeated, depression-plagued part of me is aching to make progress.
Tomorrow--er, today--is gonna be a prayer day.
I'll also keep in mind Kate, who is at this moment away from home to have her WLS. At this moment, feeling leaden and slow and out of fuel, even gastric bypass doesn't seem as offputting and drastic as it usually does to me; perhaps that's because of this weight of frustration, perhaps that's because it seems easier than the daily struggle with appetite. But I know when I'm rested and myself again, I'll fear that surgery again and nix it as an option, even though I've seen many good results, even though I understand why it's a necessary option, even though I keep it in the back of my own mind as an option. The last one. I hope Kate's results are great. She deserves it.
And I hope those of us doing it without WLS or other surgical interventions, those of us going it solo, so to speak, do a bit better today, just a bit better, week by week.
God help us all who travel on our various journeys.
Oh, and I welcome prayers. Yes, indeed, I do.
Cause I'm not giving up...
I say this because I'm just not putting effort into this weight loss thing, and I have not been consistent or focused or goal-oriented. I've been floating and feeling defeated.
So, it's time to ponder this derailment of my goals/objectives, eating plan. Only my exercise has been consistent and that's suffering from my lethargy of will and body. This week, due to the holiday and my birthday on Friday, I only have one scheduled session instead of two. But I'm back to three next week, so that's a temporary blip.
I remain on the verge of depression. I can feel that weird apathy crawling upon me that makes me want to sleep a lot, eat a lot, and not do much else--not errands, not chores, not even happy stuff. Hubby was off this weekend, and he offered to take me here, there, everywhere, and I never even got dressed once until Monday. I even said no to a Valentine's Day outing--though he was willing to do or go wherever I wanted, no matter the cost. And my sister is still waiting to hear what I want to do for my birthday, and I keep saying, "I don't know," cause nothing sounds inviting--not a picnic, not a barbecue, not a party, not a beachfest, nothing. I feel like a pile of gray putty, like the immoveable object.
This is not an "I give up" post, btw. This is an "I know I'm in doodoo, in the pit, and I'm talking this out publicly and trying to figure out why I am my own saboteur, why this stupid cloud of the blues wants to rain on my parade, why I can't pick myself up and move forward."
But of course, I could. That's the thing. I feel defeated, but I'm only defeated if I remain where I am, just coasting and letting illness, lethargy, and depression BE MY LIFE.
It can't be my life. Why am I not fighting? I want to be a warrior against all these odds!
Anyway, hubby is going out of town tomorrow. I get to have the whole day to assemble what forces I have remaining and take a stand against all internal and external foes.
I want to be like those women in Ladies Home Journal and other magazines that you see as the AFTER story, who went after their dreams with focus (whether it was a career goal, a weight goal, a family goal, etc) and are photographed smiling and triumphant. I'd like to get to THIS GOAL, among others, but yes, THIS GOAL. The reason I started this blog.
I know I'm not alone in this sort of rut, frustration, backsliding, failure, call it what you will. But it's a painful thing to feel as if I'm the one sliding away from myself. I'm the one who is my own enemy, and I'm allowing it.
I'm allowing it.
All the reasons/excuses I can mount up don't measure up. I'm allowing it.
People with bigger obstacles than mine have made progress. It's not impossible.
But I'm allowing the obstacles to get to me.
Okay, big whine over. I will go to bed. I will get up to say bye to my traveling sweetie. I will work to make Tuesday better than Monday, and I will look into that place where wants and will meet and talk to that stubborn, defeated, depression-plagued part of me is aching to make progress.
Tomorrow--er, today--is gonna be a prayer day.
I'll also keep in mind Kate, who is at this moment away from home to have her WLS. At this moment, feeling leaden and slow and out of fuel, even gastric bypass doesn't seem as offputting and drastic as it usually does to me; perhaps that's because of this weight of frustration, perhaps that's because it seems easier than the daily struggle with appetite. But I know when I'm rested and myself again, I'll fear that surgery again and nix it as an option, even though I've seen many good results, even though I understand why it's a necessary option, even though I keep it in the back of my own mind as an option. The last one. I hope Kate's results are great. She deserves it.
And I hope those of us doing it without WLS or other surgical interventions, those of us going it solo, so to speak, do a bit better today, just a bit better, week by week.
God help us all who travel on our various journeys.
Oh, and I welcome prayers. Yes, indeed, I do.
Cause I'm not giving up...
This is a repeat episode from 2007, but it does show what being a junk food/take-out junkie will do to your body. Both Anthony and Marichu (the Mrs.) were obese. They were also clearly feeling the damage to one's self-esteem that so often comes with being so large. Marichu had to deal with clutter issues, and not just body clutter--house clutter. (I'm a hoarder, so I know of clutter .) And you could see that the pain of change was weighing on her as much as her fat. She was very weepy and her face was this harrowing mask of depression. Hard to watch.
She couldn't even celebrate her 32 pound loss at the mid-point weigh-in (at three months). Honey, 32 pounds in 3 months is a VERY good weight loss rate. Are you kidding me?
I wanted to slap her.
But I realize that she felt she was working so hard that she should have lost, I dunno, 50?
Not how it works. Fat comes on as easy as pie, goes off harder than heck.
It's such a shame she couldn't jump up and down with joy for that 32 lb loss. I got so tired of hearing, "Was it worth it?" Yeah. If you didn't gain, if you lost, it's worth it, cause not doing anything, girl, just makes you FATTER.
I should add her hubby was also not celebratory over losing 36 lbs in 3 months. What is with these people? Do they have SAD or something?
At the end, they both lost big, looked better, made inroads into making their lives more vital and enjoyable. Marichu in part did this by passing her second attempt at her lifeguard test (she failed 3 of 4 tests the first time). And Anthony did it by engaging in kickboxing and realizing he'd been so miserable for years, but that he could be happy again. (Marital issues came to the fore, as it's bound to when people start to assess and make changes to their lives.)
It was really great to see Marichu and Anthony both look so much more alive--their faces no longer tragic masks. And the kids now have so much of a better shot at NOT becoming as obese as their parents, as they learn to cook healthful meals and learn to enjoy fruits and veggies, instead of just consuming fast food fare.
Final tally: Marichu lost 66 lbs (originally weighed 245, ended up at 179) and a total of 26 inches. Anthony lost 63 pounds (original weighed 347) and a total of 22 inches. Man, she beat him. How 'bout that?
At the finale, Marichu was able to glow and smile and show elation. She looked great after the makeover (hair and clothes). The frumpy, uberwhiny, hangdog-faced depressed housewife was gone. The Girl was back!
Nice.
Now, that was 2007 the show first aired (and I don't know if that means the weight loss occurred in 2006 or 2007). But I would like to know how they're doing now. Have they lost more? Have they maintained? Have they regained?
One thing I hate about these weight loss programs--X-Weighted, You Are What You Eat, to a lesser extent The Biggest Loser--is that they don't do adequate follow-up. As a viewer, I'm interested in what happens when real life strikes.
After all, the ranch is not real life. It's...intervention. It's...treatment.
I'd like regular follow-ups of ALL the contestants to see the ones who succeeded AFTER the show ends. The ones who keep it off, they're the ones to learn from, frankly. But I think it's important to see the ones who do not succeed in maintaining, because we learn from that, too. I know the first TBL follow-up was too upbeat and felt like a whitewash. Subsquent ones reported online were less slanted.
While I don't know how this couple is continuing to do, if her facebook photo is anything to go by, Marichu is doing great and looking faboo. Gives a gal hope. :)
I think one of the good things of shows like this one is the clear depiction of how losing weight can impact so much of a person's life. Fat gets in the way. I know that fat-acceptance folks mean really well. But fat gets in the way of doing so much, of going places, of feeling able to stretch into new avenues. I know fat encapsulates me in more ways than the physical.
Marichu's story--and Anthony's--show how getting leaner and stronger opens doors to living.
~
UPDATE: The original Anthony/Marichu show re-aired today (I watched part while having a snack), and I thank Beth for giving the heads-up in the comments section about an update. If you are curious about what happened to this couple AFTER the show, go here and scroll down for the follow-up info.
Since I'm still struggling so badly with the caloric containment, I figure I ought to at least work on increasing the movement aspect. I have strength training and flexibility going well with my 3x a week Pilates personal training. I definitely feel stronger and my muscles are firmer.
After nearly 2 decades of being a total couch potato--from bed to chair to sofa to bed, with maybe a few hundred steps taken a day, unless I had errands to run--this is a wonderful difference. I don't want to lose the habit of moving. I know, from all the stats, that I need to move more. Obese folks who are serious about losing fat and keeping weight off tend to have to exercise MORE than normal. That means an hour or more five or more days a week. I'm up to three.
I need more.
The big, fat gaping hole in my exercise plan is not my mouth, it's cardio. I am not working on the sort of movement that gets the heart up to target zone and keeps it there long enough to really get the heart strong. As a person at risk of heart attack and stroke, I need to do that. NEED, not necessarily want.
The main obstacle has been and is my bum left knee, and now my recently-becoming bum right one, and possibly early arthritic left hip (it aches a lot and requires mucho stretching mornings). Being fat is murder on one's lower body joints. Just wears those babies out. Doing anything that requires walking, stepping, etc, in any sort of brisk pace scares me. I do not want to be injured and off my feet.
Fear aside, I did get in about 2 hours of strolling on Saturday. My sis, hubby and I went to Oleta River State Park, which is close to my house. Less than a five-minute drive. I've lived in this neighborhood 11 years and never have visited. That's cause I never was trying to be active, and this is a park frequented by "mountain" bikers, hikers, nature enthusiasts, kayakers and the such. But we went, walked around to see if it would be a good place for my birthday party next month. In all, I was on my feet and moving for a little over two hours, but not at a cardio pace. Still, I was quite happy to get some fresh air, sun, dip my hands into a creek, walk along the small beach, smell the barbecue from assorted family parties, and catch sight of vultures, hawks, seagulls, pelicans (including one curious one with "blonde" feathers on his head), other birds I don't know by name, and, best of all, no snakes or gators. :D When one is obese, any activity is a plus. Saturday was an activity plus for me.
It's also my first outing in shorts (other than for a quick to/fro to my Pilates) in a long, long time. Behold a morbidly obese, middle-aged woman with a gargantuan messenger bag:
My junior high nickname was "Red." My love of red has not abated, as you can see.
As I normally avoid cameras, it must have seemed odd to my hubby that I was like, "Take a pic for the blog!" I said, "Do I look stupid?" He said, "No, you look very happy." I said, "I AM HAPPY!"
I was, too. Which must mean that the funk that was brewing was more related to the stress of having been ill for weeks, rather than a real depression. It has been lifting, off and way. Hurrah! (I am still sleeping 12 hours, so it's not completely gone, or I'm not completely over the physical draining of the illness. Either way, it's a good sign that I can feel happy.)
Back to "being active":
I did a brave, brave thing. Yes, I ordered two bathing suits. Whoa. And goggles. And a swim cap, which will guarantee I'll be the dorkiest swimmer in the city.
There's a pool one block away I've never used. I figure I might try to just paddle around for 20 to 30 mins a couple times a week (when the chill passes) and get my heart rate up without taxing my knees and hip. I haven't been in a pool in more than 20 years. I'm a little anxious about it, especially being in a suit in public. Ick.
I remember when I wouldn't go out without sleeves. Last year, I got over that and have worn a lot of sleeveless camisoles and empire tops out. I did it at first just cause I was exercising and it was my workout wear for Pilates. Later, it was my way of staying cool during hot flashes. Now, while I am still not fully comfortable with my fat flappy arms being exposed, I got over the terror of doing it. One step...
Some of my goals for overcoming fears for the year are water-related: 1. learn to swim properly, rather than just barely/poorly 2. to get over my fear of doing activities on the water, like canoeing or kayaking and 3. to lose enough weight to fit into a kayak so I can get over that fear and 4 to lose enough weight that I can fearlessly wear a skirtless bathing suit.
I've lived in the Sunshine State for 35 years come June, and I really should get to the point where I can take advantage of all this sun and water.
Dontcha think?
What brave thing will you do this year that your fat has kept you from doing?
Let's work toward it!
~~
After nearly 2 decades of being a total couch potato--from bed to chair to sofa to bed, with maybe a few hundred steps taken a day, unless I had errands to run--this is a wonderful difference. I don't want to lose the habit of moving. I know, from all the stats, that I need to move more. Obese folks who are serious about losing fat and keeping weight off tend to have to exercise MORE than normal. That means an hour or more five or more days a week. I'm up to three.
I need more.
The big, fat gaping hole in my exercise plan is not my mouth, it's cardio. I am not working on the sort of movement that gets the heart up to target zone and keeps it there long enough to really get the heart strong. As a person at risk of heart attack and stroke, I need to do that. NEED, not necessarily want.
The main obstacle has been and is my bum left knee, and now my recently-becoming bum right one, and possibly early arthritic left hip (it aches a lot and requires mucho stretching mornings). Being fat is murder on one's lower body joints. Just wears those babies out. Doing anything that requires walking, stepping, etc, in any sort of brisk pace scares me. I do not want to be injured and off my feet.
Fear aside, I did get in about 2 hours of strolling on Saturday. My sis, hubby and I went to Oleta River State Park, which is close to my house. Less than a five-minute drive. I've lived in this neighborhood 11 years and never have visited. That's cause I never was trying to be active, and this is a park frequented by "mountain" bikers, hikers, nature enthusiasts, kayakers and the such. But we went, walked around to see if it would be a good place for my birthday party next month. In all, I was on my feet and moving for a little over two hours, but not at a cardio pace. Still, I was quite happy to get some fresh air, sun, dip my hands into a creek, walk along the small beach, smell the barbecue from assorted family parties, and catch sight of vultures, hawks, seagulls, pelicans (including one curious one with "blonde" feathers on his head), other birds I don't know by name, and, best of all, no snakes or gators. :D When one is obese, any activity is a plus. Saturday was an activity plus for me.
It's also my first outing in shorts (other than for a quick to/fro to my Pilates) in a long, long time. Behold a morbidly obese, middle-aged woman with a gargantuan messenger bag:
My junior high nickname was "Red." My love of red has not abated, as you can see.
As I normally avoid cameras, it must have seemed odd to my hubby that I was like, "Take a pic for the blog!" I said, "Do I look stupid?" He said, "No, you look very happy." I said, "I AM HAPPY!"
I was, too. Which must mean that the funk that was brewing was more related to the stress of having been ill for weeks, rather than a real depression. It has been lifting, off and way. Hurrah! (I am still sleeping 12 hours, so it's not completely gone, or I'm not completely over the physical draining of the illness. Either way, it's a good sign that I can feel happy.)
Back to "being active":
I did a brave, brave thing. Yes, I ordered two bathing suits. Whoa. And goggles. And a swim cap, which will guarantee I'll be the dorkiest swimmer in the city.
There's a pool one block away I've never used. I figure I might try to just paddle around for 20 to 30 mins a couple times a week (when the chill passes) and get my heart rate up without taxing my knees and hip. I haven't been in a pool in more than 20 years. I'm a little anxious about it, especially being in a suit in public. Ick.
I remember when I wouldn't go out without sleeves. Last year, I got over that and have worn a lot of sleeveless camisoles and empire tops out. I did it at first just cause I was exercising and it was my workout wear for Pilates. Later, it was my way of staying cool during hot flashes. Now, while I am still not fully comfortable with my fat flappy arms being exposed, I got over the terror of doing it. One step...
Some of my goals for overcoming fears for the year are water-related: 1. learn to swim properly, rather than just barely/poorly 2. to get over my fear of doing activities on the water, like canoeing or kayaking and 3. to lose enough weight to fit into a kayak so I can get over that fear and 4 to lose enough weight that I can fearlessly wear a skirtless bathing suit.
I've lived in the Sunshine State for 35 years come June, and I really should get to the point where I can take advantage of all this sun and water.
Dontcha think?
What brave thing will you do this year that your fat has kept you from doing?
Let's work toward it!
~~
Although every bit of me wanted to nap, I got my car keys and went to CVS and treated myself to a lipstick and a lip gloss--both a super-cheery pinkish color-- and a woman's magazine and some sugarless Orbit gum.
Because of my slump, I ate crappy for lunch. I know, no excuse, but there you have it. I went for the full fat comfort food at KFC--original recipe two-piece white meat with mashies and cole slaw and corn and a biscuit. Yikes.
So, after CVS, I headed to Julio's Natural Foods and bought enough for three to four meals. I got lentil soup, a baked sweet potato, a mixed greens salad with olives and mozzarella with a balsamic vinaigrette on the side, brown rice, grilled veggie assortment, and a cucumber/yogurt salad with dill. I also got a quart of carrot juice, a quart of papaya and soymilk (which is nice for breakfast), and a quart of Green Goddess smoothie, which has celery/spinach/romaine/cucumber/cilantro/parsley/lime juice/fresh greeen apple juice all mixed together. I also got a 16 oz one with tropical fruits called Cancun. This way, I don't have to think about cooking. I don't have to vex about going to the grocery store. It's there when I'm hungry or thirsty.
Hubby is out of town, so it's me rattling around in the house, telling myself to buck up.
I'm gonna have some Cancun now.
Thanks for the encouraging comments. :*
Because of my slump, I ate crappy for lunch. I know, no excuse, but there you have it. I went for the full fat comfort food at KFC--original recipe two-piece white meat with mashies and cole slaw and corn and a biscuit. Yikes.
So, after CVS, I headed to Julio's Natural Foods and bought enough for three to four meals. I got lentil soup, a baked sweet potato, a mixed greens salad with olives and mozzarella with a balsamic vinaigrette on the side, brown rice, grilled veggie assortment, and a cucumber/yogurt salad with dill. I also got a quart of carrot juice, a quart of papaya and soymilk (which is nice for breakfast), and a quart of Green Goddess smoothie, which has celery/spinach/romaine/cucumber/cilantro/parsley/lime juice/fresh greeen apple juice all mixed together. I also got a 16 oz one with tropical fruits called Cancun. This way, I don't have to think about cooking. I don't have to vex about going to the grocery store. It's there when I'm hungry or thirsty.
Hubby is out of town, so it's me rattling around in the house, telling myself to buck up.
I'm gonna have some Cancun now.
Thanks for the encouraging comments. :*
Sorry, y'all. I am trying hard here to face up to and battle another slide into the blue. Ironically, it was one year ago this month that I came out of a roughly 5 year long depression. I couldn't believe how good it felt to feel normal. It made it possible for me to start Pilates with some vim and hope.
This month, I'm feeling that flatness come again. Damn.
My head feels like it's full of fog, my joy has taken a dive, and I find it hard to do simple grooming. (I didn't wash my hair for 8 days just cause the prospect of blow-drying it was daunting.) Perhaps the weeks of allergies and asthma are the cause, and it's not really so much a clinical depression looming, but just my body stressed by illness. Could be. I hope. That means I'll return to normal soon.
I have no desire to do anything, not even blog, to be honest. I just want to go sleep--which is not good.
So, I went by the pool that's a block away to find out about water aerobics, hoping that adding more exercise (though I don't wanna) will help with the mood thing. Of course, it was closed. Holiday. Stupid me. :-/
Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow. I don't want to just sink into another dark epoch. Had enough of that.
But really, just typing this is making me feel tired.
Sucks.
This month, I'm feeling that flatness come again. Damn.
My head feels like it's full of fog, my joy has taken a dive, and I find it hard to do simple grooming. (I didn't wash my hair for 8 days just cause the prospect of blow-drying it was daunting.) Perhaps the weeks of allergies and asthma are the cause, and it's not really so much a clinical depression looming, but just my body stressed by illness. Could be. I hope. That means I'll return to normal soon.
I have no desire to do anything, not even blog, to be honest. I just want to go sleep--which is not good.
So, I went by the pool that's a block away to find out about water aerobics, hoping that adding more exercise (though I don't wanna) will help with the mood thing. Of course, it was closed. Holiday. Stupid me. :-/
Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow. I don't want to just sink into another dark epoch. Had enough of that.
But really, just typing this is making me feel tired.
Sucks.
So, nearly a month in absentia. My bad.
I really at first just got busy. Then I got lazy. Then I got scared. I mean, I haven't been on the scale in two weeks.
Today, at my Pilates class, the teacher said I looked great and have I been on the scale lately. I said, "No, cause I think I gained." She says I look slimmer, but that may just be the tightening effect of exercise. I know I have been eating way more than I should, and I have not been weighing, blogging, journaling, or anything other than being slacker-bad.
But, here I am. Before Christmas, hoping to manage the upcoming feasts with some fatfighting panache.
My weigh-in day is supposed to be Sundays, so I'll post a number then. I'm really just not up to weighing tomorrow. I still feel anxiety. :P
On the plus side: I've been--weight anxiety aside--very chipper, happy, up. I mean, one day I actually woke up SINGING. Just so happy, I was singing. I dunno what my hormones are doing, but I hope they keep this up. (And it's doing wonders for my sex drive, too.) It's such a relief from the previous years of depression. Even when the depression lifted in January, I never woke up singing. :)
So, hello, 2009, as you approach. May you be my best year yet!
BTW, on the movement front: I also may take up some Asian drumming. I have always had such a weak upper body, and it shows in Pilates, where shoulder/arm work just kills me, that hubby and I may try to do this together. (He's already a great dummer/percussionist, but he's never done the big Asian drums.) I figure it's a hobby that makes you move, and burn calories. Good.
I also have taken up bowling. We've only gone twice, and I suck beyond suckage at it (think a score of 51 average), but I intend to get better. This is another effort at doing stuff with hubby that makes us GET UP, rather than just sit and snuggle with the television. Movement. I'm after more movement in my life, with the hope that less eating will follow.
Portion control. My nemesis. I will defeat you.
Anyhow, that's my update. I'm moving more. I'm happy. I've added dozens of new lip glosses to my collection (I tend to buy lip gloss when I'm happy. Dunno why? Maybe to accent my persistent grin.) I'm looking forward to making this holiday season a happier and healthier one than last year's.
Over the coming days, I hope to catch up with the blogs of my fatfighting comrades. I have dropped by Lyn's, and I hope everyone goes over to hug her. She's having a major life transition. Let's give her all our support.
I hope the rest of you are doing well. I know that I'm looking forward to January 5, so that I can join Oprah in her quest to lose weight (again). She had gotten down to my own dream goal weight (160), and she looked so great, remember? The abs and all. Now, even at 200, I think she looks very good. But I understand how important it is for her to nip this before she gains it ALL back. Go, Oprah.
And go, US!
(Whoa, sorry for rambling all over the place. I had 4 espressos!)
~
I really at first just got busy. Then I got lazy. Then I got scared. I mean, I haven't been on the scale in two weeks.
Today, at my Pilates class, the teacher said I looked great and have I been on the scale lately. I said, "No, cause I think I gained." She says I look slimmer, but that may just be the tightening effect of exercise. I know I have been eating way more than I should, and I have not been weighing, blogging, journaling, or anything other than being slacker-bad.
But, here I am. Before Christmas, hoping to manage the upcoming feasts with some fatfighting panache.
My weigh-in day is supposed to be Sundays, so I'll post a number then. I'm really just not up to weighing tomorrow. I still feel anxiety. :P
On the plus side: I've been--weight anxiety aside--very chipper, happy, up. I mean, one day I actually woke up SINGING. Just so happy, I was singing. I dunno what my hormones are doing, but I hope they keep this up. (And it's doing wonders for my sex drive, too.) It's such a relief from the previous years of depression. Even when the depression lifted in January, I never woke up singing. :)
So, hello, 2009, as you approach. May you be my best year yet!
BTW, on the movement front: I also may take up some Asian drumming. I have always had such a weak upper body, and it shows in Pilates, where shoulder/arm work just kills me, that hubby and I may try to do this together. (He's already a great dummer/percussionist, but he's never done the big Asian drums.) I figure it's a hobby that makes you move, and burn calories. Good.
I also have taken up bowling. We've only gone twice, and I suck beyond suckage at it (think a score of 51 average), but I intend to get better. This is another effort at doing stuff with hubby that makes us GET UP, rather than just sit and snuggle with the television. Movement. I'm after more movement in my life, with the hope that less eating will follow.
Portion control. My nemesis. I will defeat you.
Anyhow, that's my update. I'm moving more. I'm happy. I've added dozens of new lip glosses to my collection (I tend to buy lip gloss when I'm happy. Dunno why? Maybe to accent my persistent grin.) I'm looking forward to making this holiday season a happier and healthier one than last year's.
Over the coming days, I hope to catch up with the blogs of my fatfighting comrades. I have dropped by Lyn's, and I hope everyone goes over to hug her. She's having a major life transition. Let's give her all our support.
I hope the rest of you are doing well. I know that I'm looking forward to January 5, so that I can join Oprah in her quest to lose weight (again). She had gotten down to my own dream goal weight (160), and she looked so great, remember? The abs and all. Now, even at 200, I think she looks very good. But I understand how important it is for her to nip this before she gains it ALL back. Go, Oprah.
And go, US!
(Whoa, sorry for rambling all over the place. I had 4 espressos!)
~
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